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About Deviant Official Beta Tester WaeffeMale/United Kingdom Recent Activity
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hi mate love the art at small nation this weekend its going to be a mud bath
Fri Jul 8, 2011, 1:35 AM
:wave: :hug:
Mon Apr 19, 2010, 4:03 AM
Hey, a lot o' nice stuff in yo' galle'y. :P
Sun Apr 11, 2010, 12:18 PM
Mon Dec 21, 2009, 8:16 AM
How could you be such an amazing artist, and yet be so unrecognised? Your one of the best artists i have EVER seen, you absolutely blow my mind! You deserve SO much more recognition! :hug:
Sun Dec 13, 2009, 7:55 PM
Ahh well, that was fun.
Fri Apr 7, 2006, 3:21 PM
Erm, sorta testing...dunno what this is for really. Guess I'll find out soon enough
Fri Apr 7, 2006, 3:20 PM


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....and finally....

You sad fucks who pretend to feel
The same pain as I
How dare you even compare
The loss
The pain
The sheer fucking hole that is left
I understand and accept
That you also may
Have had your own hurt
But that is yours alone
And what is mine is mine
For you have no idea how
The loss of my own blood
Tears so deeply inside
So terrifyingly every part of me
Your mocking words of comfort
Leave me empty
Allow me to finally understand
The distance between us
You cunts
You fucking insipid little creatures
Of no compare
You spit such words of condolence
Yet life thankfully moves on for you
Yes I understand you
Have had your own grief
But how you always use this
As a weapon of comparison
And always
No matter my own impossible lows
Feel you can be close
And liken you to me
You have no fucking idea
You have no clue
You cunts
You fucking absolute fuckheads
Do leave me alone
And never even attempt to console
For you will never come close
To even the simplest
Of understandings
Of how
This entire trail of events
Has affected me
Sure you may empathise
But your meek and week words
Hold no weight with me
For I see thro your emptiness
For you are absolutely fucking nothing
For your pathetic and insufficient comparisons
Are mere salt to my open wounds
Please leave me now
And never sully my world
You the unknowing cunts
That attempted solace pours more
Pain than you can ever
Ever believe
Or understand
Please leave me now
For I know the truth
I have felt the closeness of dying
And I have within me
I have running within me
The mem’ries and the love
The being and the dreams
The future and the past
Of whom will always be
Of such guidance to me now
For sure I am different to he
But I am equally of
A younger creed
And with my yearning I will hold true
The very meaning of what
He tried to instill in me
And I will always fight and tear down
The two-faced and devious
Comfort that you will always
Spew from your putrid fucking lips
You are dead to me you fucking shits
Now leave me alone in my sadness
And please
Soil my world
With your fucking false lies again
Leave me now and taint my world
No more....
Of the ending of days....

The overwhelming feeling of
Utter bewilderment encompass all
How come the world carries on
How come all around remains standing
And not falling to their knees
In acknowledgment of this moment
In acceptance that
This heroic symbol of another generation
The last of his kind
....Has fallen....
How too soon the bugles play
Their last stand
And their last post
Satchel mouth runs free
And the vast chasm that opens now before me
Draws me eagerly into
As I accept fully the future
And yet the part that you played
Is yet unfinished
As we draw our own breaths
And turn our heads towards
Holding high our dreams and
Forever remembering how you guided
And the ways in which you cast comfort
With terrified anticipation I await
The long drawn out intake
Which will never come I know
The image remains for now
While the meanings of you
In both their simplest and most intricate ways
Remain ever bound in our own remembrances
Of you
Counting the seconds between
And with each passing more is gained
Until finally
At long and peaceful last
There is no more to give
No more to take
Where once reigned such command
Now lays helpless and
I turn around in such terrible dismay
How far the fallen drop
How lost the forgotten walk
With body churning sickness I weep
Holding myself forever from the darkest will
And denying the comfort
From absolute submission now
The inspiration taken from
Your command of life
Shall I take direction from
And for this day evermore
I shall hold most precious the times
We hold before us
With cold stark realisation I understand
That not all joys are freely won
And that in the days and weeks that follow now
We shall each find our own freedoms
Our personal moments of peace
And so with trembling heart
I now accept your parting
Knowing that you will be beside me
Each time I wish
And every time I call you
For you live now inside each of us
And we shall never be parted
No matter how
My most personal dreams
Shall encompass all taught and all taken deeply
Shall be stronger and remain
Becoming and growing
Be proud and be strong
For all you wanted will be so
And all you feared
Will become as nothing to
Those who carry
You willingly now.

Last Summer my Dad developed a cough which never really went away.

He is very ‘old school’, and so just shrugged it off and wouldn’t really see his GP. Just before Xmas he suddenly and significantly deteriorated in his mobility and energies, and this continued to decline swiftly until he was given an apt for an x-ray in March of this year. The results from this caused great concern to the consultant so he was referred for a CT scan 2 weeks later.

When I took him to this, his overall condition was extremely poor and he was admitted into the acute ward of Singleton immediately and transferred the next day to another more specialist ward.

The diagnosis from the scan was that he had a very late stage and very aggressive cancer in his right lung. While throughout we have been told little, it was not hard to understand and draw the correct conclusion from what we knew….we fully understood that we were looking at weeks rather than Months.

He was in Singleton for almost 2 weeks, then came to us down the Lane for another 2 weeks before heading home for a week in Brynmill. His condition worsened and so he was admitted to Ty Olwen last Monday. 

With my Mum and Hanney holding his right hand, and me holding his left, he finally drew his last breath at 2:30am on Sat morn. For the last few days certainly, he was in peace and felt no pain, even at the last he simply faded away with no discomfort or anything.

To the end he has been one of the bravest, noblest, honourable and simply beautiful person I have known….he lives on now within the blood of Hanney and I.

Some collected writings here....…

‘nuff said….


Of the darkening of days....

For one last time your image
Is seared in my thoughts
Forever this one closeness
Helpless to offer more
In this playground of falseness
I quiver and reel
And am left lost once again
The light of giving for so long
Is quickly eroded by the taking
This beautiful person before me
Now broken and used for gain
For long you protected
For an age you were always
And now in your last
With your breath shallow
You agree to all asked
Your diminishing energies used
Not for your own needs
But instead for the greedy
And for the desperate
And for those versed in self-indulgence
With so few days
And with whispers only
You make all well
Yet the creeping maelstrom
That tears within me
Howls now in such cruel anticipation
I no longer have my own
Such emptiness inside now
Balanced with such hurt
At the losing so far and that yet to come
I struggle thro each day
With the yearning to hold
And to take all that ails away
But with each observed hand held
And with every over-shouldered mutterance
I am always turned away
The poison cast at such times as these
Will evermore fester
Not now with any feelings of anger or blame
But instead with a frightening clarity
That will not cease but grow
How each night now blurs
Into a meaningless knowledge of loss
Woken constantly with pillow-moist
And with dreams plagued by ill visions
The world once safe
Has become one instead of weakness
And I am unprepared always
For the days to come without
Void of protection
And suffering from what can never
I spend time in fitful rest
And only look forward now
To those fleeting times when waking
And all seems well again
But quickly the reality of days
Comes crashing into me
And I am left curled around
The hollow dread that now fills my heart
Emptiness abounds....

How quickly now do fortunes turn
From abodes of calming tranquility
Via such unnecessary conflicts
We agree to changes
Accepting the choices made
On behalf of the faded
But with the cool realisation
Of whom truly has decided
And to where any such future doubts
Should be guided towards
Where once we opened our very life
We found only resentment and spite
While in initial hopeful oblivion
The foul instruments were soon to be played
In sufferance we each turned
Seeing clearly the anguish
Brought to the door of ending
And taken to the impossible extremes
In horrified disbelief we step back
Unable to fight this cause no more
Unable to comprehend no longer
Unable to understand no matter
With nothing more left
We acquiesce unwillingly
Knowing deeply the falsehoods claimed
And yet powerless to challenge
There is only one ultimate concern after all
And we will be beside you in all times
No matter how dark the scenes that confront you
And with no heed to the pain we equally endure
For every line that crosses
And for each stoic smile that creeps
We deeply feel and read between
And know too well the truth
What should have been a carefree journey
Riding sunbeams of triumph before the finale
Has been so bitterly guided instead
To one of such dire poor showing
Merely becoming a circus to all
So that all around may pour pity
Not upon the bedridden and lowly
But instead on the soon to be alone
How sadly difficult it must be
To spend so much consideration
Upon who to find fault
And who to point blame
In your lonely chaotic vigil each night
How you must be eaten away inside
By the unfairness of life
By the injustice of your tiredness
While this apparition beside you
Merely smiles once more
Hoping to convey some always missed
And cruelly misunderstood
Words of consolation and reassurance
And yet despite no burden present
The choices have been cast
And so another needless journey begins
To this last place of drama
This final battle ground of make believe
To be played out this time in safety
Where in the final days
We each say our appropriate farewells
To the brave and to the stupid
To the thoughtful and the selfish
To true love given
And to that always taken
Leaving us finally with an uneasy coolness
Allowing no room for anguish
The paths for those remaining
Now firmly etched
The grief and loss to come we know
Will course surely thro us
Yet we shall not avert our memories
Of all you were and all you became
In your most magnificent moments
The inspiration that is you
Will forever remain long after
And in our own darkest times
We shall gain such strengths so far unknown
Such is the gift of knowing you
Such are the real lessons we take
And so shall we forever hold this true.
Of the drawing of days....

Unrecognisable these days
Your laboured voice whispers
With such strained and needful tones
Each word that escapes
Rides in tandem with your expression
Bone-sharp and poorly hidden
Easily it is seen the never-ending effort
And the spiraling cost it now takes
I am constantly held in utmost awe
At the command of your own
And the focus it takes
To be understood
To be alive
Oft with little more than a look
I respond
But always hang my head
As I gaze wonderingly at your hand in mine
For half a lifetime it has remained
And now it is so close to release
I am continually bound
In a looping tumultuous repeat
As the forever lost moments
And the long forgotten memories
Now drown me in cascades
Waves of emotion pour greedily
And lock me into this bewilderment of mine
The questions flow and bounce around
I fall once more
Curled and screwed
I shiver in this loss anticipated
Yet it has been one of three
The new-born knowledge
The first taking
And the final parting
With the last act to be written yet
Silent utterings pass ‘tween us
And an understanding is simple
For there is little now unknown
As you pass your mantle unto me
The terrifying realisation grabs at me
That from moments soon to pass
I shall be all
And I wonder again and again
How can I be
To step into takes too much I feel
And so as always I curl up
Unable to face the waiting
Unready for the dawning of new days
For this last night together and alone
We suffer uniquely
And cry out in harmony
For the pain known runs deep to me
And I see the reflected understanding in you
Words these days are for the empty
Affirmations are not needed tonight
As such cherished ages fade
With so meagre times to share
I will steal what ever I can these days
No matter how seemingly mundane
It is these details which I will hold
As I myself now follow you
With each of my own days becoming smaller
I see us in each other
And hope only to honour
Wish only for you to accept
That the me now before you
Has been moulded by your own
And that I now do as you once did
And pass on to our future
Guide on thro the coming
That our blood will never forget
And your own very name shall be
Always known to us
Always remembered by us
Evermore comfort for us

....and so thro this drama ridden
Poison laced climax of constructed blame
We traverse the spoils left
And find ourselves now numb
Emotionless and devoid
We offer cold comfort from dead eyes
While our arms grip in empty
And meaningless attention
Never more to give true
Never again to give honestly
Left only with a sickening and mistaken
Monotone of pointlessness
I mourn now the forgotten
Left dying while this intrigue plays out
But my grief is now tempered
And has been corrupted by
Familiar ghosts from childhood
Remembered with reluctance
The tears that once flowed unbidden
Seem now failed in their meanderings
And the knotted canker
That once twisted and cavorted inside
Now streams sublimely within
Replaced by the confusion and doubts
That have always preceded your word
With matriarchal wickedness
You purr as your novel unfolds
The reality of which
Is always so in distinct opposition
To that remembered or witnessed
These lamentable feelings that sweep
Thro every room your breath taints
Cause such suffering and dismay
Such terrible pointless games are played out
Over this beautiful bed of death
Such awful words have revealed
The true intentions of your malice
As you feed from your trough
Filling your sick face with satisfaction
While those surrounding can only
Watch in such all-encompassing disbelief
Why take such a moment in time and make it dirty
Why steal these precious memories and make them sour
Why make this play before the dying is done
I feel sorrow now not for those leaving
But for the future plight of the left behind
Soon to find no solace
And all too soon to point the arthritic finger of blame
I refuse to accept these continued falsehoods
Much as I will renounce all claims to me
For once the end is decreed
I will forevermore be untouchable
Now knowing your truest and most deepest name
Offers to me the confidence to remain
In harmony with myself
For my actions to come
For I will have the good grace to ensure safety
And that all needs are satisfied
I will my head hold high
And honour that given
As meaning was shared in the absence of sound.
Watching, waiting and falling....

In lonely vigil I attend
Stomach churning
And recoiling from the drowning
In each laboured utterance
Head bowed I sit
Bone-sick and shuddering
From all that comes
To pass seems impossible now
You ask how long
And I am lost
Cowering once more I find
From hour to hour
And thought by thought
I hide my face from all
That may realise what lays beyond
And before the page is set
We share unspoken and unheard
Simple meanings
And simpler perceptions
Yet who shall cast
And who will be the bearer
As I consider the script
Upon which the last is found
Ungainly confusions swirl
And then more silence
I turn and maybe
But tonight shall not be the one
Of hurt and dread gone awry
I taste but the merest shadow
Of what must be of the days to come
And what shall be the way
For there can be none
To testify against the possible
Nor can there be all
That take and burn and seethe
As when the day has stormed
Past the window shared and
We take our turns at pretence
And skip around the answers known
For what we hear then
And here what we then accept
Tho denials drop daily
As the harsh truth overwhelms
And forever heartbroken we steal
Each significant milestone
Of our reversals
Of our mindfulness and our common beginnings
The dearth we sing together
Brushes all gone before
With a loss growing  
Greater than all expected
Than all dreamed possible
With head on shoulder you rest
Momentarily joined
But knowing deeply this will no longer
Be something we can wish to hold
No words be spoken
Nor no heralds decry
That all at once this time
Shall weaken the eldest and break
The only born shuddering now
With eyes relaxed as you trip another
Body blissful and smile to show
That really this is a mere setback and still
Just one night and the next
Shall glory as we leap and cavort
Our freedom screams so
But racking and smothering
You smile none the less
And reassure me
That what I witness and
Who I hold now
And from where the deepest
Signs of leaving
Whisper with enticing hopefulness
With the body losing I pick and carry
For even how you try to show me
Your strengths do not in no way
Now delude me
As you struggle to raise your arm
In greeting and passion
As these fleeting prophecies
Burn my eyes and
Sear my heart with such
Final outrage at why
When my thoughts turn too often
And unbidden to the days when you protected
And no harm could befall me
And now I find myself
Unable to return this
And you continue to lay before
With me powerless to control
This decay within
So helpless you apologise
And ask my forgiveness
For the burden you feel you are
For the pain you see unguarded at times
I wish for more strength
To keep then at bay
The poorly deficient attempts
That I hope show little
But I know deeply that I have failed
As that familiar warm line
Paints my cheeks with sorrow again
In find myself most days
Writhing in petrified submission
To the undeniable cruelty
That confronts me as I tremble
And gaze forever as you
Sleep fitfully before me
Wracked and fevered
For so long unaccustomed to the tests
You find confront you
Unfathomable in their twisting
Tangled answers fail to reason
I find myself taking leave too often
To wash away the traces of my own anguishes
Wanting only for you to each time see
The child the boy the man to be proud
That for all your struggles
And endless tiredness
That you can rely and know in this world
I have been shaped by you hand
And guided by the enormity
And unflinching trust that you have
Held within for me
I hope only to inherit even
The slightest part of what it means
To be you
Watching and waiting....

Appearing like the bell maker’s Son
Your rice paper grip humbles me
Camouflaged in liver brown
And with each tender clasp
You give me another needful
And ultimately precious
Unaffordable piece of yourself
Sucked hollow and clinging
I lift your fragile bones up
Your needs always so much
To me and yet at times I
Suffer the weaknesses of my own
My senses close and
As the beckoning fails
I lay in my own devastation
With the realisation that I am
Worthless to your every needs
And my own helplessness leads
Me further down my falling
Powerless to give the solace
That is clear in your eyes
As they close once more I ponder
The trust misled
And the bliss-less troubled calm
That forms the very lines that cross
Your brow knits in secret sufferance
And again the doubts cascade around me
Wanting and wishing
For someone whom to pray to
But knowing my pleas fall
Like my thoughts
To the dark places I fear
And the loneliness of my own broken resolve
Tattered and thrice bleeding
I reel in perfect fear
The knotted sickness has become my days
While the quietness of the night
Blurs into an appalling reminder
Constantly tripping across my mind
And while the beasts inside me
Leave little for me as they drain
The very essence of what is now needed
To keep strong
To keep above
To guard against the sickle
Masked and charcoal hidden
The shadows of remembered youth
Leave me astounded by their clarity
As the longest moments become
A never-ending repeat of what once was
The painted eyes that watch me
Drawn deep in their absolute struggle
Look back at me and destroy
In such a simple and loving way
Not meant but felt
The deafening scream that fills me
Bounces inside unheard
With no escape it builds and rises
And I hide to all this final flaw
The stinging and bitter corruption
Leaves me little energies for the mundane
Or the twisted plays of children
These setbacks each will assault
An insult to the one who needs
Forgotten it seems in gaining favours
To be most chosen and to be the only
Setting aside the blood all shared
And pushing all greater in unknown goals
In spite of this I carry this burden
My worthless soul will not give
No rhyme no treason no frown no tear
Always unready and forever humbled
I learn from every moment you stay
And yearn that when the passing is due
You see and know that I remain
As always there to carry your name
And when is needed to carry much more
For no other shall bear you forward
As you led me so too shall I
For the convictions you taught
And the lessons once guided
Have led me now to be right here
Waiting and watching for
The smile that wins all
The private look that allows no doubts
The acceptance from you
That I am me
And for you to understand deeply
That we are to each other
What can not be borrowed
When worlds fade….

With the impending finality
Of the ending of worlds
I sit in solitary contemplation
At what will, and what must change
The sweetened excitement
Of return to arms willing
Is tempered sickly
With terrible reveries
As colours fly by
Each gliding their duties
Whilst the serene calmness of waiting
Ticks and tocks in relentless silence
Four ever unready for
The unspoken sonnet
And the ending hushed
From these dream-like moments
Falling absentmindedly and abstract
As sure as the glories of a life
Once thriving and golden
Slows and beats less often
Stripped of former paths
And laying beholden
Every day shrinks and all
Too soon we gaze behind us
To witness the touch last
And the understanding missed
In trust I hold still
With the weakened heart and laboured breath
Resolve will prevail and deliver
The tranquility sweeping
Where days become years
And I am bound eternal
To the beauty you so offer
Freely cast around your world crack'd
But you shall hurt no longer
Nor will you cry
As I take your pain and sooth all doubts
Your frightened times of horror
I shall share and keep close
For I shall steal them from without and beyond
And hide them ne’er to be felt
Again I hold tightly
To all that may come to
And the narrowing of choices
Compels our closeness
Never alone
And always within
And always with him.
What lays behind....

To understand what lays
Behind and beyond
In a brief shared moment
Of painful contemplation
Our worlds shake between us
As we wrestle with tears
And gaze pleadingly to each other

I will hold your hand until you are

No more

Stumbling clumsily
I struggle with my convictions
As you hold grimly
To the last of your empire
The throne once valiant
With me willing and only born
My chest pounds in awful acceptance

I will hold you close until you are

No more

Bouncing weakly between
My strengths collide
With your heroic stubbornness
I falter then
A silent scream permits none
To know how close I am
To all you ask and all you wish

I will comfort you until you are

No more

Our eyes lock with lost words
The ones which now need not be spoke
Until the next and until that past
I steady myself for the days
That end all fight
When the spirit shall soar
And we wander together once more in dreams

I will always love even after you are

No more

How masked were your actions
When cast amongst the unknown
Unable to define
The merest fathoms of words
Yet with such honourable dignity
You smile
And with that sheer depth of courage
I am so small in this world
So fragile I find
The moments of regret seem trivial now
For all the times of wishfulness
For each and every penitence
I now find myself rueing
I know for absolute conviction within
That sidelong and wistful
You accept
The signs that I have noted
And the heralds I have slain
Careful reflections are shared
To hold bay the hurts that follow
I watch and I listen
Serenity is foremast
So that all that you imagine
Is in control, has no confusion
Simply to be in each other’s
Each together
As one
I look when you do not know
And see only myself in your pain
And oft wonder
Will I make the same, will I reach this also
So little left I see
And with these fleeting unfair hours
Compressed into cold corridors
Watching others misery pass by
Together we imagine we are somehow different
That this will all pass
That today is just bad
Just bad
With that same smile then
You try and convince me
But I know it is yourself you are tricking
Into believing it will be better
I see these things in you
Your eyes can not hide from me
From your own blood
We are each other which can never change
And I am left
Humbled by you
The times I wish
I could see thro your mind
And wonder at how this may seem to me
How poor I always feel I give
Wondering after your needs all days
While you even dare to consider
The burden you feel
To all around
When I cast back to the times
Before and the tasks I compelled
And the aches and the worries
That you held me close thro
How can I find now these days
To somehow shoulder the same
As once was too often and now
We swing round surprised
To be there and comfort to be there is all
So that you may deeply realise now
This closeness will grow and to be
Hold strength from my warmth
And feel peace from my touch
Please always know I dream
That when the last is so near
And the panic sets so deep
I will be close and guide you
No matter your choices
Your body
Your life
You will always live on....
The Deepening….

From first my secret gaze, held you in
Immediate recognition of whom you would be
To me and all parts of what would become
A growing tempest for that I strive
And self-inspection causes
Such lowly considerations of myself.

I observe and listen, and am held a willing captive
Your mesmerising words paint me sweetly
In all the time we spend, and the parting greater
But in anticipations pulse
I know you will confess to yourself
The needs shared become most pressing.

For once more the building of a mutual trust
Or are the diaries of madmen what drives
And the mocking of peers falls on the deaf
For the strength now between us
And new learned confidences abound
You still wield the power to allow all or none.

The birthing the breaking to each renewed pledge
Seen oft from afar but with pain still within
But hurt becomes peaceful followed by calm
Understanding breeds wisdom
And with these new days of testing we find
In ourselves that we surrender to each other.

Our imaginations flourish till we accept one outcome
My triumph is boundless to consider I hold
Your attention and veiled thoughts
Your fears are now become my own
In the proud hope they will lesson
And that your spell will live on.

And yet I cower in such awe
At every line on your face driven
By the pains that I fail to ward away
This failure sinks deep, sinks me deep
To an endless battle within
That one day you will spin in pure joy.

The words we know and the words we hold
Cast shadows at times from the struggles
We sometimes suffer with silence
When we should be open and gain
From that now requited confided and more
Sure convictions together allow us to atone.
I shall be the first and I shall be the last….

From new birthed moments we dance
Held enraptured in each balmy movement
Seconds held forever in an everlasting question
Whilst always missing the intended script
For fear drives well in these unknown heartbeats.

I shall be the first and I shall be the last….

With Saintly hands that guide and lead me
Without whose care much less be clear
Entwined and twirling the dance becomes
More earned more yearned until we
Part our breaths with knowing glances.

I shall be the first and I shall be the last….

The burning in mine eyes with you unaware
Views over and relished anointed in imagery
In swathes of knowing and wish-most pleas
In a harbour of restless hopes
We traverse each other attentively .

I shall be the first and I shall be the last….

Held motionless unable to move toward
Mesmerised in each slender whim
And cast bleating afterwards
Thoughts tumbling and thunderous
Mind-spun dreams purvey scented intakes.

I shall be the first and I shall be the last….

The devil inside can not bequeath
So unbidden and sudden
For when stark realisation beckons
And whether acceptance overcomes
The crash into becomes worth all.

I shall be the first and I shall be the last….

The distance before and morrow’s touch
Leave little to doubt that all is possible
To allow each self to open and accept
To welcome the expanse shared in tandem
Shall all now lean to the other.

I shall be the first and I shall be the last….

After the chess has ended
And with nothing more left but to resign
To another’s world with renewed resolve
And energies abound while the dance regains
Its former churning and eager wishing.

I shall be the first and I shall be the last….

Humbled now with the passing days
Shown so clearly that which survives
And with heart and bone now serene
Unbroken desires lay sweetly within
Hearts seldom distant nor alone

I shall be the first and I shall be the last….
....and into nothing....

For all the years I caused you grief
And for all the fears you took from me
With unbounded strengths to protect
And the unfettered patience that was always
I find myself in these ends of days
In contemplations reverie
Forever in your debt
Ever in complete awe of your humilities shown.

For I now know your pains and tears
They abound within me each thought
That screams it’s presence it’s right to be
And course around what’s left of me
The slightest ache the least of woes
Takes a toll far worse than known
Gladly I would live this instead
To give more life to ease the loss.

Yet with each drawn breath and each fallen chore
The driving of hope becomes less clear
I must guide and I must hide
Ne’er show to you I am still small
The trembling hand and shaking mind
I take my rest when e’er I might
With each dawn new and every raised day
I know with clarity yours is worse.

To watch your fall and hear your aches
To see your eyes fill up with such
Unspoken torments and stoic resolve
Always ahead be better times
Yet I see a day without and yearn
For each found moment each thought aloud
And cherished tales of youthful splendour
Remind me of a world before.

The weakness growing in every way
With knowing looks and shared glances
No words in this reflected agony
My own hands become the Father
And now offer the comfort
Inevitable failure it seems will prevail
But with dignity’s reign we do our utmost
And loose our prayers upon those forlorn.

I see too clearly I see too late
What must be lost and must be given
The closeness birthed with warmth renewed
No matter the cost we will prevail
To allow the last not become the end
To forever hold so close and grow
With what you give with what we owe.  
Torn (reprise)....

Another night draws to a close

How do I keep my thoughts composed

I’m left choking on the dust

Of memories laid to rest

How can I pretend to say

Where to start to whom to pray

I watch as you grow weak

Forever etched forever steeped

In depths that have no bound

No solace I have found

The changing and the hurt

Every hour every word

And it tears my heart apart

It tears my heart apart

Leaving little for me now

Just faded photographs somehow

With beats run frail and slow

And hand held grown so cold

Over-flowing visions blur'd

A chosen place for all unfurled

And it tears my heart apart

It tears my heart apart

Leaving nothing for me now

Just faded photographs somehow

Sadly what is done is done

To late to undo what's been spun

With mem’ries held on close

In hearts always foremost

With final ease of lifelong pain

And furrow’d lines ne’er show a strain

In peaceful gaze and countenance

Youthful slumbered remembrance

And it tears my heart apart

It tears my heart apart

Leaving nothing for me now

Just faded photographs somehow

And it takes my breath away

It takes my breath away

Forever losing self-control

A fool in a graceless fall
March 3rd

The fever has wracked my soul for weeks it seems. My body shudders uncontrollably.

Sweat runs down my forehead and blinds me. I suffer my misery in solitude. What brought this on I do not know, yet it prevails nevertheless. I thought I would not succumb to such. I was so wrong. I have lost much weight. Even the pen I grasp becomes unwieldy to my grasp. I sigh. I last tried some food a week ago, it did not stay long inside, what little I managed that is.


My body curls and writhes in it. Strangely the feeling is sweet. That worries me. When the spasms overwhelm me, thoughts become impossible. That is good. That is freedom But still it hurts so much, even I struggle to bear the anguish, even I. The people grow restless, they demand a voice. Yet the authorities harken not. Oblivious in their blinkered kingdom inherit, the time will not be long awaited tho I feel. Gossip in the taverns arouses the meek. Angers the rowdy, shocks the anointed betrothen. I scratch myself relentlessly. Yet the itch persists. How long must I listen to the dead make their journey. I am alone now in the building, the last remaining within the taverns dark reaches. They get my money still, my needs after all are little. But the ache plagues me.

I clutch at my belly tightly as it twists and turns, causing my brow to knot with an expression of bemused pleading.

Eduardo Manklow

March 8th

Soon the Gathering will be upon me. I have seen so many over the years. Each year things change, things remain and things evolve. Yet it is a constant surprise to me every time. Seeing fresh faced folk in awe of their new surroundings always gives me pleasure. It is a time of stories, of strange events. My heart tho always has a certain amount of dread leading up to it. Maybe I have become too set in my ways of late. Maybe I am just simply tired of it all. Still, I do look forward to meeting old friends. This year threatens to be different as many have told me they wish not to attend this time. They will be missed. There are, sadly, those no longer walking the lands, they will be even more thought of in their absence.

I plan to travel light this time, tho I always end up taking many things that I do not need. Nevertheless I will use the time to contemplate all that has gone before, and all that may have been. I know that I will long to return even before I have left tho. Theses feelings have always overcome me, distance makes this more pronounced until I must resign myself in acceptance. I should be accustomed by now, but I still feel dread the closer the day comes. It is unavoidable but yet it is my choice after all. I can offer blame to no one else, my own shoulders must carry the weight.

As usual I will leave it until eves-night to gather what I need, it almost allows me the hope to not leave that way. A foolish thought that has no bearing on reality, I always go. One year tho I may yet surprise myself.

Eduardo Manklow

March 9th

Whenever in life times of woe have amassed, I have always had music and words and the vastness of nature to find solace and calm within. The tangled and warped landscapes that seer my mind, only compel me to withdraw and cower lest I relent and allow myself to become forevermore cast astray.

The terror and beguiling sweetness of abject surrender to these maelstroms envelope me entirely. The fear of allowing myself to become willingly helpless is sooooo tempting....

....and yet, strength and resolve I must bring forth and always remind myself that these feeling are merely fleeting. I will be stronger tomorrow, I must draw on that which gives even the most short-lived of hopes.

I must endure.

I must be strong.

I hopeful....

Eduardo Manklow

March 13th

My goals are simple at times, mainly to adjust to the changes that are overtaking me. My thoughts whirl as I open up to the differences around me. I find that silence sometimes is a helpful ally. There are those that seek to sanction there own existence, yet I have always shied away from such self-gratifying behaviour. Let them that need it most have whatever they want, I do not care for them after all. Their effect on me is of no consequence.

They busy themselves with un-needed duties, fickle hearted as they are, they shall fade as many others before them have also. It amuses me to see them so ready to jump at the slightest summoning. Have they not learned restraint yet? Save it for the long haul is the best approach I have found. Still, it is always entertaining to see them command their ways as such.

Eduardo Manklow

March 16th

For so long now I have been keeping at bay the dark places where my thoughts wish to wander and dwell. I feel I have begun at last to become master of them, at least that is what I now know were my foolish beliefs.

With my trembling heart I ventured to the places I daily must spend, only to be confronted by poisonous acumen which left me utterly devastated. It was all I could do to hold my thoughts calmly and retreat with as much grace as I could muster.

But even as I left, there was one amongst the watching throng who seemed to pour such flippant vitriol unto my torments. Words which I could instantly understand, even in my weakened state, as those memorised from a book.

The sad thing was that if I were at that moment of a stronger mind, I would have struggled to stop myself from laughing and mocking such pathetic, feeble and childish attempts at intercession. But it was only later that I was truly able to recognise how amateurish and insulting such constructs actually were.

I need time, and time is at such a premium these days for I feel in every pulse of my veins, the moments lost and the opinions forever cast with malice.

Eduardo Manklow

March 17th

It is so bizarre how events take turns so unexpected.

Whilst I was fully prepared to fight a battle new with my demons, my ghost succumbed to such ails as to cause my whole body to be as riven from itself.

The utter inconsolable tear that became me, was difficult to put it mildly.

My struggle within however, need take no urgency as I know the good fight can be battled at a later time. Now however, must I take a moments breath and steal myself for a greater foe, that which assails the breath of my life…the Guardian of my soul suffers and I need muster my strengths,  that I may focus on this new challenge.

My compelling fear tho, is that when considering how weak a place I already find myself in, that I will have the wherewithal to be champion to this most deepest of calls.

Eduardo Manklow

March 18th

As the day drew to a close today, a perfect line was drawn across the horizon. Beneath it the sun did glare so brightly that it transformed my surroundings into a maelstrom of burning ochre. The recent blood on the streets was bleached in comparison.

Evenings like these have become a rarity these days, the drab hand-to-mouth life that has enforced itself upon us, takes over all our thoughts. I am fortunate in so much that the wealth that I have accquired over the decades, allows me a small modicom of luxery. If i sought it that is.

The underneath of the storm clouds are tinged with an angry black, peppered with molten reds. As i gaze ever longingly at them, they seem to broil before me, beckoning me towards them. I am so terribly tempted to release myself unto this simple daydream. Put all behind me and succumb to my final madness.

Yet something inside me refuse to give in. Denies such a beguiling dream. Ahhh, if I was just as those that live around me, what few are left that is.

Yesterday I heard the cries of sheer anguish from my neighbours. I first watched them move in almost ten years ago now. Their children have grown before me, yet....of the three that were so happy at their move, none are now left. This festering life that plagues us has taken them all. The parents are old now and realise to their core, that they will have no more. Life can hurt too much at times. I weep silently for them, and wish them all the hope I can muster.

The sun has dipped unseen now. The corrupt and masked lackeys of the town light their torches and cast them with abandon upon the dreams of the many. The glow increases and gives those who have the stomach, a second sunset. I watch the sky erupt in vermillion splendour and fall into the visions that present themselves unto me.

Eduardo Manklow

March 22nd

…and so I have received communication from the Alaudidae, attempting with such painfully poor acumen and yet with very easily to me at least, such impossibly obvious attempts at some form of professionalism. It is so boringly plain and insincere. I try my utmost best to be positive and understand that such folk are really full of their own importance.

Sometimes I do see how sweet it must be that they try it must be said, to use terms and words and words and terms, to elucidate a feeling in me that they are of greater rank and influence. But their very attempts do everything to show me clearly they are not.

But, they do however hold a certain power which can only be forestalled to a short degree, and I must smile and succumb to their pathetic power games.

If only they would consider the effect of their actions on others, but then that would be far too much to expect wouldn’t it.

What they don’t understand is that their meaningless drivel, pales when I have such greater worries to contemplate….that of my ghost and her recovery.

Eduardo Manklow

March 24th

I know my madnesses and weaknesses better than any. I have after all lived with them for long years past.

The thing that has always amazed me is the folk that see me when I am cowering before these, and seek advantage over me. They should realise that it does not last for long, even tho the darkness seems unending to me while I toss and turn. Once I return from thses episodes, their true nature is always stripped open before me for I feel the wisdom and guidance of ghosts from my youth.

Those that were once my life laid bare, talk to me and advise me of the greedy liggers that seek a quick meal. Even held tight and deep within my most suffocating nightmares, I know that she will protect me. Her scent surrounds me in a vail like shield that none may penetrate. They have tried many times and some, it is true, have shown great fortitude in this. Yet still they eventually shrink and fade.

I offer my utmost thanks and prayers to her that surrounds me still and saves me from such vultures of opportunity, for they cast their slime all around.

I must put my pen away for a while, for as I cast my eyes outside, the sky has turned the most pure crystaline blue I can imagine. I can not miss this and must collect my travel bag and walk. I know before I leave where my trail will lead me, to the places that always give me comfort. And I know also before I leave, that on my return, my soul will be calm once more.

I secretly smile to an unseen figure that is always by my side....she will always walk with me and clasp my hand into hers.

Eduardo Mankow
Diary of an immortal - III
Unfinished work in progress, many days to add to this yet.


United Kingdom
Current Residence: Down 'The Lane'....
Personal Quote: Y Ddraig Goch ddyry gychwyn.


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birthdays Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2015
:woohoo: :party: :iconcakelickplz: !!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!! :iconcakelickplz: :party: :woohoo:

It's April 12th which means it's that time of the year again and your special day is here! We hope you have an awesome day with lots of birthday fun, gifts, happiness and most definitely, lots of cake! Here's to another year!

Many well wishes and love from your friendly birthdays team :love:

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mecengineer Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2015
Happy Birthday
Jasperinity Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2015
Happy birthday! :D
MissGrib Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2015   Digital Artist
Happy Birthday !! :rose: Have a great day :hug:
chriseastmids Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2015  Hobbyist Photographer
:party: :party: have a great birthday :party: :party:
KURAPlKAKURTA Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2015  Student General Artist
thanks for the llama!
chriseastmids Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
as always many thanks for the fave ads :D
Jasperinity Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2014
Happy birthday! :D (Big Grin)
birthdays Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2014
:woohoo: :party: :iconcakelickplz: !!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!! :iconcakelickplz: :party: :woohoo:

It's April 12th which means it's that time of the year again and your special day is here! We hope you have an awesome day with lots of birthday fun, gifts, happiness and most definitely, lots of cake! Here's to another year!

Many well wishes and love from your friendly birthdays team :love:

Birthdays Team
This birthday greeting was brought to you by: KoudelkaW
MissGrib Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2014   Digital Artist
Happy Birthday to you my friend :rose: :hug:
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