The fever has wracked my soul for weeks it seems. My body shudders uncontrollably.
Sweat runs down my forehead and blinds me. I suffer my misery in solitude. What brought this on I do not know, yet it prevails nevertheless. I thought I would not succumb to such. I was so wrong. I have lost much weight. Even the pen I grasp becomes unwieldy to my grasp. I sigh. I last tried some food a week ago, it did not stay long inside, what little I managed that is.
My body curls and writhes in it. Strangely the feeling is sweet. That worries me. When the spasms overwhelm me, thoughts become impossible. That is good. That is freedom But still it hurts so much, even I struggle to bear the anguish, even I. The people grow restless, they demand a voice. Yet the authorities harken not. Oblivious in their blinkered kingdom inherit, the time will not be long awaited tho I feel. Gossip in the taverns arouses the meek. Angers the rowdy, shocks the anointed betrothen. I scratch myself relentlessly. Yet the itch persists. How long must I listen to the dead make their journey. I am alone now in the building, the last remaining within the taverns dark reaches. They get my money still, my needs after all are little. But the ache plagues me.
I clutch at my belly tightly as it twists and turns, causing my brow to knot with an expression of bemused pleading.
Soon the Gathering will be upon me. I have seen so many over the years. Each year things change, things remain and things evolve. Yet it is a constant surprise to me every time. Seeing fresh faced folk in awe of their new surroundings always gives me pleasure. It is a time of stories, of strange events. My heart tho always has a certain amount of dread leading up to it. Maybe I have become too set in my ways of late. Maybe I am just simply tired of it all. Still, I do look forward to meeting old friends. This year threatens to be different as many have told me they wish not to attend this time. They will be missed. There are, sadly, those no longer walking the lands, they will be even more thought of in their absence.
I plan to travel light this time, tho I always end up taking many things that I do not need. Nevertheless I will use the time to contemplate all that has gone before, and all that may have been. I know that I will long to return even before I have left tho. Theses feelings have always overcome me, distance makes this more pronounced until I must resign myself in acceptance. I should be accustomed by now, but I still feel dread the closer the day comes. It is unavoidable but yet it is my choice after all. I can offer blame to no one else, my own shoulders must carry the weight.
As usual I will leave it until eves-night to gather what I need, it almost allows me the hope to not leave that way. A foolish thought that has no bearing on reality, I always go. One year tho I may yet surprise myself.
Whenever in life times of woe have amassed, I have always had music and words and the vastness of nature to find solace and calm within. The tangled and warped landscapes that seer my mind, only compel me to withdraw and cower lest I relent and allow myself to become forevermore cast astray.
The terror and beguiling sweetness of abject surrender to these maelstroms envelope me entirely. The fear of allowing myself to become willingly helpless is sooooo tempting....
....and yet, strength and resolve I must bring forth and always remind myself that these feeling are merely fleeting. I will be stronger tomorrow, I must draw on that which gives even the most short-lived of hopes.
I must endure.
I must be strong.
I must....be hopeful....
My goals are simple at times, mainly to adjust to the changes that are overtaking me. My thoughts whirl as I open up to the differences around me. I find that silence sometimes is a helpful ally. There are those that seek to sanction there own existence, yet I have always shied away from such self-gratifying behaviour. Let them that need it most have whatever they want, I do not care for them after all. Their effect on me is of no consequence.
They busy themselves with un-needed duties, fickle hearted as they are, they shall fade as many others before them have also. It amuses me to see them so ready to jump at the slightest summoning. Have they not learned restraint yet? Save it for the long haul is the best approach I have found. Still, it is always entertaining to see them command their ways as such.
For so long now I have been keeping at bay the dark places where my thoughts wish to wander and dwell. I feel I have begun at last to become master of them, at least that is what I now know were my foolish beliefs.
With my trembling heart I ventured to the places I daily must spend, only to be confronted by poisonous acumen which left me utterly devastated. It was all I could do to hold my thoughts calmly and retreat with as much grace as I could muster.
But even as I left, there was one amongst the watching throng who seemed to pour such flippant vitriol unto my torments. Words which I could instantly understand, even in my weakened state, as those memorised from a book.
The sad thing was that if I were at that moment of a stronger mind, I would have struggled to stop myself from laughing and mocking such pathetic, feeble and childish attempts at intercession. But it was only later that I was truly able to recognise how amateurish and insulting such constructs actually were.
I need time, and time is at such a premium these days for I feel in every pulse of my veins, the moments lost and the opinions forever cast with malice.
It is so bizarre how events take turns so unexpected.
Whilst I was fully prepared to fight a battle new with my demons, my ghost succumbed to such ails as to cause my whole body to be as riven from itself.
The utter inconsolable tear that became me, was difficult to put it mildly.
My struggle within however, need take no urgency as I know the good fight can be battled at a later time. Now however, must I take a moments breath and steal myself for a greater foe, that which assails the breath of my life…the Guardian of my soul suffers and I need muster my strengths, that I may focus on this new challenge.
My compelling fear tho, is that when considering how weak a place I already find myself in, that I will have the wherewithal to be champion to this most deepest of calls.
As the day drew to a close today, a perfect line was drawn across the horizon. Beneath it the sun did glare so brightly that it transformed my surroundings into a maelstrom of burning ochre. The recent blood on the streets was bleached in comparison.
Evenings like these have become a rarity these days, the drab hand-to-mouth life that has enforced itself upon us, takes over all our thoughts. I am fortunate in so much that the wealth that I have accquired over the decades, allows me a small modicom of luxery. If i sought it that is.
The underneath of the storm clouds are tinged with an angry black, peppered with molten reds. As i gaze ever longingly at them, they seem to broil before me, beckoning me towards them. I am so terribly tempted to release myself unto this simple daydream. Put all behind me and succumb to my final madness.
Yet something inside me refuse to give in. Denies such a beguiling dream. Ahhh, if I was just as those that live around me, what few are left that is.
Yesterday I heard the cries of sheer anguish from my neighbours. I first watched them move in almost ten years ago now. Their children have grown before me, yet....of the three that were so happy at their move, none are now left. This festering life that plagues us has taken them all. The parents are old now and realise to their core, that they will have no more. Life can hurt too much at times. I weep silently for them, and wish them all the hope I can muster.
The sun has dipped unseen now. The corrupt and masked lackeys of the town light their torches and cast them with abandon upon the dreams of the many. The glow increases and gives those who have the stomach, a second sunset. I watch the sky erupt in vermillion splendour and fall into the visions that present themselves unto me.
…and so I have received communication from the Alaudidae, attempting with such painfully poor acumen and yet with very easily to me at least, such impossibly obvious attempts at some form of professionalism. It is so boringly plain and insincere. I try my utmost best to be positive and understand that such folk are really full of their own importance.
Sometimes I do see how sweet it must be that they try it must be said, to use terms and words and words and terms, to elucidate a feeling in me that they are of greater rank and influence. But their very attempts do everything to show me clearly they are not.
But, they do however hold a certain power which can only be forestalled to a short degree, and I must smile and succumb to their pathetic power games.
If only they would consider the effect of their actions on others, but then that would be far too much to expect wouldn’t it.
What they don’t understand is that their meaningless drivel, pales when I have such greater worries to contemplate….that of my ghost and her recovery.
I know my madnesses and weaknesses better than any. I have after all lived with them for long years past.
The thing that has always amazed me is the folk that see me when I am cowering before these, and seek advantage over me. They should realise that it does not last for long, even tho the darkness seems unending to me while I toss and turn. Once I return from thses episodes, their true nature is always stripped open before me for I feel the wisdom and guidance of ghosts from my youth.
Those that were once my life laid bare, talk to me and advise me of the greedy liggers that seek a quick meal. Even held tight and deep within my most suffocating nightmares, I know that she will protect me. Her scent surrounds me in a vail like shield that none may penetrate. They have tried many times and some, it is true, have shown great fortitude in this. Yet still they eventually shrink and fade.
I offer my utmost thanks and prayers to her that surrounds me still and saves me from such vultures of opportunity, for they cast their slime all around.
I must put my pen away for a while, for as I cast my eyes outside, the sky has turned the most pure crystaline blue I can imagine. I can not miss this and must collect my travel bag and walk. I know before I leave where my trail will lead me, to the places that always give me comfort. And I know also before I leave, that on my return, my soul will be calm once more.
I secretly smile to an unseen figure that is always by my side....she will always walk with me and clasp my hand into hers.